In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
