that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
