I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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