There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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