if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize