I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
