Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
wakey wakey hands off snakey
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
