He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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