I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize