nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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