You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's no shave November. This is our time.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
