When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
