Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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