i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
