Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
