Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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