By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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