How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
