The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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