it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
