Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
