dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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