they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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