Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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