Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
