oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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