He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
