so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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