i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
