I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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