morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm at about main and main street
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
