He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
