Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
