From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
