i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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