I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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