I swear she didn't look like that last week.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We got so high we made milksteak
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
