Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
