You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
