Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
