I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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