I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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