You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
