i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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