You're completely useless in the revolution.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
