shes about as inviting as chlamydia
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
