Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize