Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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