Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
