she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
