Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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