Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
