i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
