i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
