i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
