burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize